Today my girlfriend, my best friend, my partner in the truest sense left the country to start her fellowship with the CDC. Our plan was for her to leave on the designated date and for me to follow a couple months after. I would try to save a little more money and stack up some credits for some sales that were going out in the next couple months to collect the commissions . Then I would quit my job and meet her in the country in question. To do this I had to rent out the condo that I own and until today had lived in.
We had scheduled it just so to allow the tenants to move in on the same day she caught her flight. So, moving out meant moving everything except a few things so we can have what we need to sleep and shower one more night.
When Cristine finally left, I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread. Suddenly the world I lived in was not a familiar one. The city I found myself driving around no longer felt like home. The Condo we had spent the last two years in seemed to be yelling at me. Questioning me why I would come back without my better half. Like “Hey remember all the time you spent cuddling on this couch watching movies and laughing etc? Guess what? It’s over! This is someone elses couch now and you’re here! couch-less and girlfriend-less! What the fuck are you doing here!?”
But I had to try ignore that because I had a few tasks before the tenants would take over. I had to gather up all the left over items and either throw them away or store them. And it turns out all the little stuff I had told my girlfriend not to worry about “ I can grab these little things tomorrow” added up. I loaded up what I could into my girlfriends car to take to storage. But some of the things were not going to fit in her car so I had to go and switch it for my vehicle (company vehicle) a large Ford Explorer.
But when I picked it up I realized, all the corporate marketing material that I felt obligated to save until I officially left the company (not to mention the enormous printer I inherited which would definitely have to be returned to the company) was taking up a significant amount of space in the vehicle. Almost to a point where I may as well have just stuck with the Hyundai. This really upset me. Here I am, stuck in this cursed country for this company and now I’m dragging around 100+ pounds of useless junk out of some sense of courtesy or obligation to the company. Nothing would bring me more joy at this moment than setting fire to it all just watching that damn printer burn a fiery death calling my boss and quitting to catch the next flight “the fuck outta hea”.
It reminded me of the allegory that Dave Chappelle told in one of his specials. The story was of a poacher that would carve a hole in a stone (or a tree) in a way that he can put food in (maybe nuts or maybe berries). The food sit in a larger part of the hole but the opening was only barley large enough for the monkey to fit his hand into and grab the food. But once the food is in hand, the hand was too large to pull his hand out trapping him so that the poacher can capture him.
Which brings me to a thought. The couch was right. Why the fuck am I here? Why am I holding on to this crap that is just taking up space physically and the company which is taking up space mentally? To save a few extra dollars. For what? I can always make more money, right? That’s the whole point of starting a business/changing careers. To be happier and to be with the woman I love. What about the whole spark Joy argument? This shit is not sparking joy in my life. Toss it I say! Why not drop it all in the name of love!
This brought me to the conclusion that I am going change my move date to one month earlier than planned. I am going to start drafting up my resignation letter and I am just going to set a date and leave. Forget about the logic and the planning because there is always more money and there is always another plan that makes more financial sense or more logical sense. So, fuck It, I’m outtie.